Sermon for Victory over Pinks Day

November 12, 2009 § Leave a comment


BEGIN the morning by saying to thyself,
I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant,
deceitful, envious, unsocial.

There is other stuff too, but that’s the core of it, right there. We say to ourselves, every morning: “This morning, I’m going to go out and meet IT.”

We say, “I’m going to go out there and meet yet another Godsdamned Pink”.

I don’t have to elaborate on what that’s like. What it feels like to go trough the necessary processes of your day never knowing when the first Pink will strike.

And then it does. Like a bug on the windshield, only there is no windshield and the huge, buzzing, chitinous thing goes right on to bury itself in your eyeball where it bursts in a ball of goo and sharp bits. And when it’s finally over and you think the worst of the pain may eventually go away, it happens again. And again. And again. And all the while, you know it’s going to happen tomorrow too, and in your mind, your soul gently crumbles in anticipation of that horrible moment when you have to rise from your nest and face the prospect of the first Pink.

Well, this is the morning we don’t. This is the morning we strike back. This is the morning we grab “Bob” by the balls and squeeze our slack out of them with the crushing, vice-like grip of the born antisocial maniac! This morning, by the help of “BOB”, our VERY OWN SPIRITUAL WINDSHIELD we got up, got out of bed, and thought “Well, darnit, one of these mornings I’ll be waking up in my UFO with a beautiful Alien Sex Goddess suckling each and every one of my toes and go out to meet the dawn of yet another glorious alien planet and NOT MEET A PINK.”

And that, dear allies and mutants, is what it’s like to live with the Church of the SubGenius, under those intensely watchful, gloriously vacant eyes of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, our beloved Prophet and Savior.



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