Sermon for St. Harold “Doc” Edgerton’s Day

November 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

IT IS WRITTEN:

In a millisecond the blast expands; lightning caused by the force of the energy travels down the guide wires. The desert floor was turned to glass.

We do so like to nuke things. We so seldom have the opportunity to indulge, but we like to talk about it, fantasize about it in exquisite and autistic detail, and play at it with smaller explosives, or even perform little symbolic renaming rituals with microwave ovens.

Remember that the Nukuler Bomb, the Tool of “Bob”, while a fearsome instrument of our Wrath, is also a thing of intense beauty. Yes, hatchlings; it is the greatest work of science and art ever devised. The very forces of creation, virtually unseen and unwitnessed since the beginning of the universe, unleashed by a bunch of gibbering monkeys in unfashionable eyewear. A second sun, erect like God’s own cock, present in this world in a single moment of perfect and pure destruction, put into the dull hands of people who simply wanted to wave it around like a medieval crossbow in a crowded room, and perhaps use it to move inconvenient cities and mountains out of the way while they were at it.

As a SubGenius, you can, of course, not be considered at fault for constantly wanting to nuke shit to hell and back. The world has been given unto you by our Lord and Profit, the Salesman “Bob”; you have paid your admission. They had their chance and there is no time like the present to reduce the deserving or merely unamusing to a radioactive, shuddering still-living heap of badly roasted delicious crisps.

But it does seem like such a waste, sometimes.

The Exploding Judas Ministries Heretical Society for the Preservation of the Human Species has therefore asked me to urge you to donate GENEROUSLY to the cause of triggering an all-out thermonukuler war; only by a global detonation of all known nukuler weapons may complete disarmament and no further waste be permanently achieved, while these magnificent devices meet a fitting and dignified end.

Now please, let us turn to page five in the psalm book, and do join me in the hymn “Atomic Power”, all of you. Or Else.

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