Epistle to the Exhausted

October 25, 2012 § Leave a comment

What’s the matter, Bunky?  You say life landed on you like a ton of bricks?  When didn’t it?  You say you left your Slack™ in the bottom of a long neck bottle in some scummy bar, and that fiendish bar back took it away while you weren’t looking?  You say you wanted to go fuck with someone or something, but someone had to mind the fort?

Too tired, too lazy, too busy blearily staring at the internet or the TV to say howdy?  Boy, it’s a good thing the whole country hasn’t turned into bad television, right?  Ho ho!  At least THAT can’t happen here!

It seems The CoN IS everywhere, because we INSISTED…Because The CoN isn’t some faceless corporation, the fucking CoN is in your head.  And because it’s in your head, it’s everywhere, and it’s even turned rebellion into a reason to become mostly comatose (See: Occupy).  I’ll do something about that when I can think of something to do.  I’ll get on it tomorrow.  It’s all hopeless anyway, so why get excited right this minute?

What’s that you say?  You’re busy?   Time for everything EXCEPT “Bob”?  Too busy to say anything, too busy to relax for 10 seconds or make a fucker laugh until his guts bleed, just for the hell of it?  Where have all the cheap yuks gone?  Was it finally actually too much?  Too much False Slack™, too much Horrormirth, too much bad signal on the TV?  Too many crooked politicians, the game is rigged, the fix is in, why bother?

Forgive me if I lose my shit here, but THIS IS WHATTHE CHURCH IS ALL ABOUT!  Just as the first amendment exists to protect unpopular speech (popular speech doesn’t need protecting), being a Subgenius is all about getting our cheap laughs in when things get bad!  ANY DAMN FOOL can laugh when things are merely funny!  It takes a special kind of idiot to giggle when the flood waters reach your bottom lip.  I am that kind of idiot, and I hope YOU are, too.

But tell Dirty Old Uncle Roger all about the reasons you can sit there all day, without LOSING YOUR SHIT.  Tell me why, tell me your stories of woe, and I shall hold your hand and dry your tears.  Tell me all about how they’ve sewn your mouth shut, how You Must Shit And Have No Ass.  Tell me also how you’ve become too discouraged to give a shit, how they finally shoved your face into the mud and you’re just too weary to lift it back out, and anyway this mud isn’t too bad, is it?

Well, I have news for you, kiddos…That’s the same mud that everyone else is slurping up, and it isn’t mud.  You are partaking of the shit sandwich that the rest of Western civilization has learned to love, and boy howdy, aren’t you glad you aren’t like them?  Aren’t you glad that it’s temporary in your case, that you’re just resting for a few days or months or years until you get your breath back?

Shut the fuck up.  EVERYONE says that.  Who do you think the yahoos are?  What do you think THEY say?  “I’ll be rich one day, I just know it.  But not today, because I have to wax the cat.”  They say this, because the only happiness THEY understand comes on little green rectangular paper once every two weeks, or WOULD, if there was more of it.  No matter how much they make.  They’re saying THE SAME THING you might be saying, only they’re using a different brass ring as a goal.

DO SOMETHING!  Prove to yourself that you’re really there, that you are still YOU.  Rant your fucking guts up.  Go have rabid monkey sex.  Dance in your fucking car.  I don’t care WHAT you do, but do it NOW.  It’s not just entertaining, it’s also the easiest way to STAY YOU.  Hell, give me a ration of shit for telling you what for!  You aren’t ranting at me, you’re ranting at the endless pile of horseshit and electronic toys that they’re trying to smother you in!

Or not.  You could just read this, and chuckle to yourself about what an excitable type that Roger is, how he’s always bitching about something.  Then you can go back to the riveting activity of “viewing” a forum or shitty porn or your own navel, while you’re supposed to be working…As if that makes you some kind of biped (hell, your BOSS does that shit).  If you can get mad at me for this – if you can even break your lassitude long enough to do that – be sure to include your excuse for why your face is missing, why you have that Goddamn feeding tube where your mouth used to be…And rest assured, I will read it and absolve you of your lack of sins.

Because I’m a nice guy that way.

-The Good Reverend Roger



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