Rant for the welcoming of a new Clenchmate

November 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

Hello Insert Name Here. I’m Bork and I’m a SubGenius, and a minister and undercover yeti. I am saved today by the grace of Dobbs, and that is the only way I know of, besides the Way of the Blood Vengeance, of course, but I gave up that one because it’s so hard to hide the bodies. Everything I’ve done got me here. I know that a lot of what got me here was also the grace of Dobbs ‘cause I couldn’t have found out the questions or the answers to’em these days, without the grace of Dobbs.

I first became aware of SubGeniusness back before they strip-mined Mars, while the Conspiracy was moving the pieces together and painting the sets for fake 1998. The Word of “Bob” coursed trough me like fire in them days! -“Bob” said it, I smoked it, and that SETTLED it” we used to chant when we went out on the hunt. Oh, how I was looking forward to that Glorious day, when I would join the ranks of righteous Yetis in a great fighting and fucking and fiery lasering of anything and everything and each other. Oh, I had my doubts, we all had, but we knew that in just a few years, our deal would come trough or we’d get Triple Our money back. You can imagine our horror when the great Calendrical Scam went down, and we stood by, powerless to stop it. But that is a tale for another time.

It was in the aftermath, while standing in a burning warehouse full of chunks of martian crystal palaces (They were grinding them up and jamming them up Their asses for the hallucinogenic effect) that I knew what I had to do – I had to go back and bear witness of the word of Dobbs, to gather the Prophits Flock in defence of his Good Books in preparation for the Day – the Day when the Men from Planet X would finally come.

And so I did. Despite mockers and pink boys and Conspiracy assassins. Despite the daily horror of dealing with the bug-eyed hive-building monkey servants of the Con. Despite the continuing lack of signs from the X-ist fleet, I stood firm, the Word close at hand and “Bob” in my heart. I can only pray that my witness can inspire others who are laying low, too slackless and frightened to call out to their fellow SubGenes, too beaten down by the Con to chance breaking their cover.


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