Sermon for Hate for the Sake of Hating Day

November 19, 2013 § Leave a comment

For today’s sermon, I’m going to tell you a story from our ministry. You see, we were recently consulted by a master of Slack from afar. He had a personal problem which may seem unusual to you slackless drones, who barely get a moment’s respite from the eternally spinning hamster balls of hate that is your existence. I will keep this Bobdisatva of Slack anonymous, so as to avoid a congestion of Bobbies beating a path to his door. You see, he suffered from a terrible affliction; he could not find enough hate in his heart. His horn of Slack floweth over; his life was good, and unfettered by the sticky tendrils of the Conspiracy. In short he was TOO FUCKING HAPPY! At best, he could whip up a fleeting sensation of annoyance. How, he asked us, could he find the hate he so sorely needed to power his mutant abilities (available as mail order courses from subgenius.com at a low price right now!)?

And here’s what we told him:

Seal yourself in your excremeditation chamber. Form in your mind the image of the Pink. It may be that arsehat who told you off for liking a band not on his Approved List. It may be some human who did not have the decency to drop dead when you applied your brain-curdling psychic power gaze. The economically retarded roommate who spent the rent money on computer games and fed the eviction notice to your dog, who choked to death on it. Or maybe just the bastard who kicked you in the nuts and stole your phone.

There’s no shortage of turd-souled insults to the Face of “Bob” out there. Most of us use our mental powers to edit them out, or simply delete them from existence on those occasions on which they anger us. But for those of us suffering from a lack of hate in our lives, it’s important to remember that each and every scumfuck you encounter on your way to your eternal Reward forms a little golden opportunity, a small sprout of hate, struggling out of the usually placid and Slackful soil of your blessed Yeti mind, which you need to identify, water and nurture, transplant and replant, and add to that giant jungle of pure, scorching Grudge that will fuel your personal spacecraft ‘s weapons systems on X-day.

Pinks will tend to see any who oppose them as their “enemies” (in that puerile, petty way of theirs, the pink having no concept of the epic scale of cosmic Enmity available to the SubGenius), and instantly begin to apply Normalization Procedures, in accordance with their subconscious Conspiracy programming. But as SubGenii, we have a different technology to deal with those who offend in the Sight of Dobbs. By applying the basic psychic training available to any Church Member in good standing, such as time control, maintenance and discharge of Slack capacitors, and how to dispose of a body in ten easy steps (see Reverend Ellis’ excellent manual, Dead Pig Collector for more on this) we can defeat our enemies or even turn them against their Conspiracy masters, coring out their souls and using them as drones for our own purposes. And is that not a far better thing than simply letting your hate go to waste?

Obviously, building up a good crop of hatred is not easy for a person who lives in the Gaze of Dobbs, who is a master of all things Slackful, but with patience, you can grow the necessary glands, ducts and organs using radio waves and instructions encoded in the Church literature.

So go to it! And don’t forget – a little hatred a day keeps the Con away!

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