July 3, 2014 § Leave a comment
Following this week’s decision by the American Supreme Court regarding the religious freedom of corporations, the Press Office of the Fylkir and Speaker for the Gods have released the following statement. The Exploding St. Judas Ministries is re-posting this encyclical from the Pope of all Vikings in a show of religious solidarity, and because we all need to run for the hills now, lest they lay waste to our homes, vehicles and loved ones.
(The Exploding St. Judas Ministries would to be the first to welcome our new bloodthirsty overlords, except the world ends tomorrow, and you guys will all die. Neener, etc.)
Of the Supreme Fylkir
Olafr the Skull-grim
To his blessed friends
The Lawspeakers, Sages and Sibyls
And other Godly Men
Currently at peace with the Grand Court of the Fylkir
To the Harriers and Keepers of the Seed of Old in all Man’s Home and the Middle Realm, and to all
Men of honour dwelling therein
On the freedom to practice veneration
Honest Free Men and Beloved of the Gods
Health and Blessings to the givers of golden rings
The right of every man to venerate the idols and uphold the honour of his fathers and mothers of forn is a most serious matter, in which Godly Men keep the peace with Powers great and small to continue the life of their Clan, even though it sometimes entails many difficulties and hardships.
A matter of conscience
The recent course of law in the Realm of Mankind and the concomitant changes of what constitutes honest and virtuous conduct have provoked many new questions from keepers of the Old Ways. The Court of the Fylkir cannot ignore these questions, for they concern matters intimately connected to the daily life, joyfulness and honour of the faithful.
While the offering up of gifts and cultivating friendship and blessed peace with the Gods and Beings of the Land brings us great honour, increasing our harvests and annual profits, the duties of tradition have sometimes posed problems of conscience to Godly Men everywhere, as the cowardly God of the Christians would have us believe that the Path of Honour and the Sacred act of Sacrifice is somehow “sinful” or “illegal”.
It is therefore pleasing to us that the Supreme Court of the United States of America has now made clear the Will of the Gods in this matter, and we will henceforth take heed of the truth won by the court’s divine wisdom and insight.
Ungodly laws threaten our ways
The glorious revolutions against the many unfit and unmanly kings of the Franks and Englenders have pleased the Gods, gifted many fine warriors to the Host of the One-eyed One, and allowed free men to war against the Worm of Greed together in brotherhood, as equals.
However, these same revolutions have zealously and perhaps thoughtlessly removed all Godly conduct from the affairs of realm and common weal, leading many to fear that the Gods would abandon us, and that the Great Winter will soon come to pass.
Indeed, the free men of a raiding or merchant venture may now no longer go to council and vote to atone to the displeased Gods by performing the Threefold Sacrifice of an unfit manager, CEO or politician who does not have the favour of the Gods, even as he brings bad years and much evil to honest folk. Even as low men constantly insult us, we are prohibited from splitting their skulls, raping and burning them, their family, farm and livestock to show our displeasure and restore our honour. We may no longer cut the throats of man and livestock to wash the sacred images of the Gods in their blood, and we are denied knowledge of the future by reading secret signs in the pattern of the sprinkling of their spilled blood!
A new age of godliness
This new state of things have persisted for many turns of the ages now, but this new sign from the Great Court gives hope that Godly folk may once again call down the Gods to increase fertility, potence and profits of ventures everywhere.
As it is the deeply held personal belief of this Court that the Gods bring us good luck and great harvest when ritually invited to feast on the flesh of the finest we can offer, and when partaking with us of the purest alcohol we can distil, we will now begin the work of developing new Human Resource Management policies for all corporations in our extensive portfolio, and expect other Godly investors to do the same, for the Greater Glory of the Gods.
Herein is contained our proposals, for deliberation, sacred sign-taking and consensus-reaching at the next Great Sacrifice at the Irminsul of Uppsala in the 43rd year of King Gustav the Limp.
Whereas the duly agreed upon Law of the Land has always been recognized as the revealed Law of the Gods, we will not propose a complete set of new legislation for the Godly State, merely concentrating on core supplementary policies which can be applied privately, and more swiftly alleviate the lack of Godliness which the United States Supreme Court has revealed in the current body of laws, without necessitating a completely new constitution to usher in the coming Age of the Gods.
1: The right to restitution and defence of honour
It is the sincerely and deeply held personal belief of this court and its subsidiary corporations that it is the duty and right of all free men to uphold the honour of their Clan against all challengers, and if necessary enlist a rabid mob of hallucinating axe murderers to assist them in so doing.
Duels must be cleared with HR at least a week in advance. Employee attendance is mandatory.
Punitive raids or lawful expeditions to conduct cleverly and artistically performed revenge killings will only be conducted after the victim has been given at least three weeks head start and a chance to pay restitution in appropriate tender, such as cash, cows or fine jewellery.
2: The freedom to sacrifice
It is the sincerely and deeply held personal belief of this this court and its subsidiary corporations that the Gods must be appeased by the spilling of blood, milk and various alcoholic beverages, lest they turn away from the land of men, and the wheel of fate turn, ending our age and erasing the many great deeds of our Clans.
Sacrificial ceremonies must be agreed upon at a duly gathered and blessed council, and must be carried out on the Days of Mark indicated by the Court of the Fylkirate. Those who do not gladly volunteer themselves, family, slaves and/or livestock for sacrifice are subject to loss of all honour, banishment and outlawry.
3: The right to health and the faring well of life
As has been known to Godly Men since the Days of Naming and the Dawn of the World, the turning away of the Godly guest, and the hardness of heart, displeases the Gods, and hard it will go on the one who strike their outstretched hand away when They walk among us and test us.
Accordingly, subsidiaries of all Fylkirate holding companies will take necessary steps to ensure full, unrestricted health coverage and a secure standard of living for all employees, dependants and slaves of their enterprises.
Spoken at the Great Hall of Thor’s Court, on the second day of Ty the Lawgiver in the increase of the Month of Worms, in the tenth year of Our Fylkirate.
Quoth the Skald on this most auspicious of occasions:
The tender age has passed us by
we live now in the age of wolves
of war and tricks and violent men
shields shall split
swords shall bite
ere the world ends
June 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
We hate to have to reveal this so soon, but the hoax (originally published ONLY on SubGenius sites) is already making the news — which should tell you something about the dependability of the news.
That “news release” about Stang retiring was merely another in a series of SubIntelligence Tests: a Gullibility Test in this case. We truly thought it too preposterous for ANYBODY to believe. So, despite previous similar tests, we are again sincerely surprised to see how many, ahem, “SubGeniuses” failed utterly to see through what should have been grossly obvious as a put-on — especially within the context of The Church of the SubGenius. Every now and then we do things like this to sweep out the wishful thinkers, Gimme-Bobs, the eagerly gullible and a new species: those too dumb EVEN to be a SubGenius (something we previously imagined to be a contradiction in terms).
Some folks can’t handle or even recognize satire unless it has a laugh track or Smiley-Face icon attached to it, and those are NOT the kind of people that are going to benefit from “Bob’s” Church; many such individuals have in fact become huge liabilities in times past. You might call it “Spring Cleaning.” Weeding out the “believer” types and/or the Slacklessly judgmental — or, rather, setting up a situation whereby they weed themselves out in reflex butthurt ragequitting — increases the likelihood of the Xists coming through this year, FINALLY. For, as it says in The PreScriptures, “The Conclusion-Jumper shall be at The Judgment.”
Again, for those with reading comprehension disabilities:
I, Stang, am not retiring; we just wanted to see how various people, especially certain chronically jealous haters, would react to a transparently absurd hoax. We were eager to see who would WANT to believe it.
The most hilariously indignant responses were selected for reading on HOUR OF SLACK #1365, aired last Sunday night. Special thanks to Dr. Legume for writing the news release, and to the chronic whiner who did everything he possibly could to get himself “banned,” yet failed even at that. What he DID manage to do was inspire this particular test session.
There will be another pop quiz tomorrow.
For those who must have this sort of thing spelled out, the news about the SubGenius mom’s missing child, and his subsequently being found, was NOT a hoax.
June 16, 2012 § Leave a comment
From the OFFICE PULPIT of REVEREND STANG, SACRED SCRIBE of the Church of the SubGenius. HEED! FOLLOW! OBEY!
Rev. Ivan Stang announced today his retirement from the SubGenius Foundation, citing his ill demeanor and declining patience with internal conflict among the members of the SubGenius Church, appointing long-time collaborator Dr.K’taden Legume to the position of President and CEO of the Foundation.
Rev. Stang will continue to produce his nationally syndicated radio program, “The Hour of Slack”, and attend personal speaking engagements. Rev.Stang later commented, “I’m sick to death of dealing with idiots when my time can be better spent attempting to capture the vicious Jaggi”.
Dr.Legume immediately appointed Priestess Pisces as his VP, and stated that his first order of business is to examine the membership rolls and “weed out the dead weight and the malcontents”.
Legume announced that there will be a huge addendum to the church’s list of banned members prohibited from attending the SubGenius Foundation’s annual X-Day event, to be released to the public on June 30.
“This is the beginning of a new era for the SubGenius Church”, Legume stated earlier today, “My vision for the SubGenius Church is a radical departure from the tolerant policies of the past. While I expect it to be rough at the beginning as the flock gets used to the idea of a more controlled environment and more selective and stringent requirements for membership and participation in the SubGenius community, they will realize, that, as always, my way is the best way…the ONLY way. I expect this will be a new golden age for the SubGenius Church.”
Dr.Legume will be receiving a six figure salary commensurate with his duties and experience.
PRALEGUM! DEATH TO THE VICIOUS JAGGI!
December 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
I can not condone filtering of any sort. We do not condense. We do not abbreviate or dilute the many, many important missives and reports which arrives here at the Ministry at all ticks of the daycycle.
We get every single post as a separate electronic piece of mail.
I make sure to impress on Google how utterly unimportant they are. “Shit on them”, I whisper softly into Google’s brussels-sprout-like little ear, gently stroking its wiry, sparse tufts of hair. “Don’t bother me with this veritable deluge of anguished prayers, entreaties and desperate cries for more supplies and silver bullets from the suffering throngs of that great galactic congregation of SubGenes” (Yes – GalACTIC – am I the ONLY one who ever checks the IP addresses around here? Don’t tell me you still haven’t figured out how.) “Just put them in the folder over there”, I tell Google, dismissively, “and I’ll flip listlessly trough them when I have the time. IF I have the time. Now GO, GO AND DO MY BIDDING”.
It makes me feel like a GOD.