On the Supreme Method of the Forbidden Sciences

February 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

My name is Reverend Bork.

By occupation I am a doktor. As of last X-Day, I am a Doktor of Forbidden Science, by which I desuprasumalize my nental health solely by J. R. “Bob” Dobbs’ spiritual methods, gladly sharing my knowledge with those who seek it out.

My UTTER conviction in the effectiveness of the methods laid out by J. R. “Bob” Dobbs to control both my health, seemingly “random” events in my life, and the VERY STUFF OF REALITY ITSELF came about as I developed an understanding of how reality, in which most of us believe we live, is formed. It came to me as a result of my in-depth study of J. R. “Bob” Dobbs’ mail order courses and the radio ministry of His Church.

Now I finally understand that diseases as such do in actual fact not exist. They are as illusory as is the solidity of human bodies, comprised of “atoms” which are in themselves more like complex tangles of slacklessness rather than solid physical matter. That is, human bodies are virtually vibrational structures, pure snarled-up spiritual fucked-upness, a desinformational substance converted into matter, the substance which is the base of physical “reality”, through which Slack flows, impeded or freely according to an individual’s alignment with the Luck Plane. Health problems are simply the a cosmic constipation, the blocking of the flow of sweet, life-giving Slack in certain regions of the physical body.* J. R. “Bob” Dobbs’ unique methods enable the Slack flows to be pasteurized prior to being condensed and coming into contact with slackless physical matter, which means that with proper spiritual practice the body of every SubGenius can always be formed Slackful as well as Eternal.

All is welcome into Eternal, Slackful and happy life, made accessible to us by the Great Scientist – J. R. “Bob” Dobbs.

*Slack may occasionally flow into this physical universe
in the form of paramedics bearing injectable opiates.
This is an immaterial objection to the validity
of the Forbidden Method of the Great Scientist, J. R. "Bob" Dobbs.

History WILL JUDGE!

November 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

I believe history will record that Doktor Reverend Bork Cowcatcher is one of the most prolific and significant preachers of the post – “1998” era. In a rare synthesis of the Cetaceosexual experience, Texan Ivangelicalism, and scriptural exposition, Rev. Cowcatcher confronts and challenges one of the most pervasive and recurring multidimensional issues of contemporary SubGenius persistence: Our imminent escape from planet Earth. Rev. Cowcatcher brings the congregation to the intersection of personal stimulation, excremeditational revelation, and cerebrospinal examination.

—Pupa N. Pedale, president
Royal People’s ‘pataphysical institute
Serving Episcopal Commissar
Lemurian International SubGenic Fellowship of Surnadal

October 26, 2012 § Leave a comment

October 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

Truth by Reverend Suds Pshaw 

The POWER of “Bob”!

March 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

“Doktor Reverend Bork Cowcatcher, through his ministry with us at Cacadou United Imprecise Clench, brought prophetic words of truth and power! Even today, after the sermons took place, “Bob” is still moving through the organs of our clenchmates, purifying and refreshing of their precious bodily fluids! Doktor Reverend Bork  illustrates through his manhood and his ministry, the terrifying power of the prophit “Bob”.”
-Pastor Pangloss of the Cacadou United Imprecise Clench

Embody your abconscious!

September 7, 2011 § Leave a comment

“In very real and accessible terms, The Book of the SubGenius gives us the inspiration, the map, the potential to embody SubGenius abconsciousness here and now. This book is guaranteed to speed up your evolution, and take you on the broad path to Slack, money and free sex.”
– Reverend Prost of the Exploding Judas Ministries, inventor of the injectable ale.

What my cult has done for me

April 18, 2011 § Leave a comment

I stopped surfing the internet in 1999. I don’t mean I stopped going on the internet, I mean I stopped actively looking for things on it. I no longer needed to, the pertinent information found its way into my possession as if by magic. It WAS magic, it was my cult. I can’t tell you how many times people have said something like “WOW! How in the ever living FUCK do you FIND THIS SHIT!?” and then I could coyly reply “What this old URL? uh, just something I found lying around” No matter WHAT it was, no matter HOW obscure, you can be sure *I* would find out about it. If a photograph of a one-legged Asian hooker with Marfan syndrome was posted on the internet at 5am Bangkok local time, you can bet I had a copy of it before my morning coffee started to cool. And I didn’t have to do ANYTHING to make these wondrous things happen, I just had to show up. My cult did all the heavy lifting. Before the bright days of the internet, I used to pride myself on my adventures in ‘kook collecting.’ I had mailed away for newsletters on all topics great and small, and I enjoyed my status as a big fish in a very small pond, UNTIL I found the Church of the SubGenius and realized what a RANK AMATUER I was in this, among many other things. Kook collector you say? Well members of my cult had written BOOKS on the subject, opened MUSEUMS, and the kooks themselves weren’t some far off curiosity, they were KNOWN by members of my cult. I wasn’t a big fish anymore. In fact I knew almost nothing at all about “kook collecting”. Over the next decade or so I would learn many things, until the time when I was able to BORROW a kook, merely for being ASSOCIATED with the Rev. Ivan Stang, and get to feel for myself what it was like to be looked at through those paranoid eyes, and immortalized in their scrivenings. For this I will be eternally grateful. You may think I am kidding, but I am NOT. (thanx: gammamute! mikey!) It wasn’t just kooks, I got access to, it was just about ANYONE I ever considered cool. If I liked some obscure band, before the Church I was pretty much on my own, I could try my luck at tracking down some limited pressing import, or self-released this or that, but once I started ‘networking with “Bob” all these barriers MELTED AWAY, and not only did I have access to things I never dreamed of before, it was always delivered in SubGenius fashion; bereft of NORMAL oppressions and PINK categorizations “oh you like that band, eh? yeah I know all about them, back in the early 80’s I went through a gay period and blew the bass player in the ladies room of the 930, SHE WAS HOT!…anyway let me get that tape for you” Lately, there has been discussion on how cool the X-day experience is, the one time when we can all be together, for our little freaky fellowship in the naked woods. But I think it’s just a small BONUS for everything I get EVERY SINGLE DAY from this Church. The truth is whether I want to admit it or not, I would probably NOT be the person I am today, if this church had never existed. And it’s the reason I do my small little part to keep the wheels turning.

– Reverend Ankara of the Taphouse Cabal

The real deal!

October 12, 2010 § 2 Comments

“If you ever get the chance to work with the Exploding st. Judas Ministries, do it! Exploding Judas is passionate about helping latent SubGenii find slack trough “Bob”. And they’re good at it. Having just returned from Dobbstown, Malaysia with the Clench of the Terrible Walking Merchant, their desire to reach people with good news of “Bob” and equip the local SubGenius ministers was very evident. This ministry loves “Bob” and is willing to do whatever is necessary for anyone and everyone, worldwide, to know “Bob” too.

I am grateful to be a part of what “Bob” is doing through the Exploding st. Judas Ministries. During my recent trip, we were able to find and train SubGenius ministers in matters such as preaching, clench discipline and devolutionism. Exploding Judas gave me the chance to fulfill my heart’s desire in training SubGenius ministers and I am grateful. Exploding Judas is the missions ministry every clench should partner with in reaching people for “Bob”. Their slack, knowledge, and resources are more than adequate and available to any clench ready to experience mission work. Thinking about leading your clench in mission work? The Exploding st. Judas Ministries is the real deal.”
– Doktor Proktor, Internets Kook

Justice for the SubGenius!

October 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

I have been a volunteer for the Ministry for the past six months and it has enriched my life.  There was once a period of time when I was among the ignorant masses who thought that those who have chosen a life of normality can and will only live that way – boy, could I have been any more wrong!  Justice begins at places like the Exploding st. Judas Ministry.

PraBob!
-Private Longballs of the Exploding st. Judas Ministries

Join our ministry, partake of the Slackfulness of “Bob”

October 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

I have had the privilege of participating in the SubGenius Exploding Judas Ministries mission to the Norse for several years now. I was humbled by the vision and passion of our founder, J. R. “Bob” Dobbs, and his wife, by the radio ministry of Doktor Hal and Reverend Ivan Stang, by the dedication, compassion and unselfish service of our ranters and pink-fixers. Through helping latent SubGenii and reaping the rewards of their Slack and appreciation, we ourselves grow ever more Slackful.

To some we administered the sacred herb frop to offer relief for the first time from aches and pain, to others education about self-care and time control, medicines to treat ailments compromising the quality of their lives, freedom from work, a caring touch, reassurance and kindness to all. When we arrived here, in a remote fjord with no road, cell phone or television connection, we were welcomed with traditional gifts of fish and home-destilled alcohol made by the women of the village. Even as we set up our ministry, SubGenii began arriving, often walking or rowing for hours, patiently and willing to wait as long as was needed for a chance for spiritual care rarely available to them. They have never stopped coming, and we will continue to receive them for as long as it takes for the saucers to arrive. Who knows? Maybe next July is the July we have all been waiting for. Until then, we’ll keep those $30-checks flowing back to the Church Headquarters in America.

Yours in “Bob”
Reverend Bork Cowcatcher of the Exploding st. Judas Ministries

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